Really wondering what is in my mind
This stupid woman is truely belong to nowhere
it is not a simply-put title
i truely own no feeling of where do i belong to
home?
once, when i started to accept my mom's problematic condition
and house condition is not as bad as now
then it is a big no for now
all kind of pressures are targetting me
kns dad,
stop saying u wanna kill mom, wanna run away and this and that
go ahead and go to ur whatever solomon island
and stop saying that u stayed because of sis and i
i'm sick of listening u keep repeating to everyone that u meet
JUST GET OFF if it is too tough for u to stay
i dont deserve to all the craps
need a new house?
go tell ur talented eldest daughter
she worked for so many years and wasnt able to get a house
and u keep complaining the house problem to me?
what hv i did wrong for u to keep accusing me as a bad girl?
did i take drugs? NO
did i run away from home? NO
did i get pregnant as what other girls in same road did? NO
i even never dye my hair as i wished to
i never give u a NO for whatever u requested
i tried my best to listen to all ur complaints
and i got stressed by ur sentences
and end up i got u saying me as a bad girl?
do i deserve these?
i lied that im staying hostel for the past 2 years.
this is to keep me away from the problematic u
and i did lived happily
but do u even noticed that i had been down for 3 days after every visit to home
or for every single call u dialed to me, and complaining house, mom, and ur life
why dont u call and tell her exactly the same thing u told me?
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i have to option but to admit my stupidity
he got his new ones
and why do i feel sad for that?
i thought this is what i wanted, so that it would reduce my guiltyness?
LMAO~ idiot me
why do i still bother how he would evaluate me if i get tgt with another guy?
he won't even bother
in fact he did it faster than i do
i feel envy
she will be more pampered than i do
but who to blame?
i gave up the best one
when i felt there's no hope to go on
i dislike his friends, especially that bitch
i dislike his family
i dislike everything around him
and his never-ended demand on sex
but he is good, undeniably
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i duno why, but ppl hardly get to see the real thing regarding me - im not cheerful, not optimistic, not positive
they thought, i got alot of friends
and they thought, i was lying when i say i got none
the fact is, i got none
and i got no reason to lie about
for the recent case
i'm not staying in the uni area
so there will be no one finding me for a chat
unless i find them 1st
no invitation from anyone of them for anyone one of their activities
because i stayed too far, and im not cloase to them
even i was just beside them when they are planning it
and i just kept quiet
i knw i will not get involved even if i had voiced it out
i just knew, coz i tried.
who cares? i'm just an outsider, an abadoned one.
so i will just staying at home
watching piles and piles of pictures of their outing in facebook
and kept quiet
because -- I CAN JUST WATCH
quoting louis' sentence "that's why i seldom talk to ppl dat is usually not with me"
i guess this is true to most of the ppl
so do i
so i got rejected from entering somewhere near them
dear louis : i got no idea on how to be the one that "usually with u"?
teach me?
outside?
yup, alot of nominal friends
which are those who keep saying "find one day yamcha" when met coincidently
but never did
there are too much of them i cant share my problem with
coz they dont even bother to care about
the only ppl who would care
is the one who is after me
and they were gone if i rejected
or no longer couple with me
being friend after brking up?
i used to belief it's possible
i used to try
and i fail
and i came out with another set of conclusion
no one will bother what happened to their ex
coz no one will bother abt sth not benefitting them
as ex = no-longer-beneficial-ppl
SO I GUESS I SHALL TRY TO SWITCH BACK TO MY PREVIOUS WALK-ALONE STYLE OF LIVING.
need no one, hoping on no one, care no one.
i knw it's hard, but it is the trade-off btwn doing try hard, of feeling hard. isnt it?
this kind of post will not appear frequently
as i have no intention to make this blog to be used as
a path to rant, to blame, or to flame.
this should be a happy one, and i placed the sad one to somewhere else, in another language.
my apology, if those above causes harsh feelings on u.
nvr meant for hurting anyone, u dun deserved to get hurt by a not related person, isnt it?
sorry, sorry, and sorry.